Elle from the Toronto Star hosted a fun little chat today about strip clubs
Strip clubs: "guy thing" or threat? Ellie will answer questions on this topic in a live Q&A Wednesday at noon. Send questions now by clicking on "make a comment," and please limit them to 50 words or less.
by TORONTO STAR at 16 May 2011 11:07:48
Hi Everyone and Welcome! Strip Clubs are a deal-breaker for some couples: Women loathe them, men defend them. Let's hear your experiences of how they impact on relationships.
by Ellie at 12:00 PM
My fiancee has confessed that his brother's bachelor party for him, is at a strip club! I'm so angry at both brothers, I feel like calling off the wedding. They know how I feel. I stopped my fiance from going to them when we first met. Am I overreacting?
by bachelors at 12:01 PM
Since you're asking, yes. Unless this changes everything you ever thought about the guy, or he did this purposefully to "get" you, then it's his brother's bad joke.a send-off from bachelorhood and old ways. Don't cancel the wedding.not over this.
by Ellie at 12:02 PM
My girlfriend is convinced that strip clubs are glorified brothels. I've asked her to come with me and see that nothing like that goes on. It's just a guy thing to go there for a few drinks and a few laughs together. But she says I'm dis-respecting her feelings. If I give in now, am I setting up for her to control me in other ways?
by control at 12:03 PM
If you don't talk this out, you're setting up for handling disagreements by both digging in your heels. You both should compromise - she goes once to see what goes on, you go far less often than you used to.
by Ellie at 12:04 PM
What really happens in a "champagne room?"
by kikat at 12:05 PM
Hangover
by Ellie at 12:05 PM
My boyfriend is going to a bachelor party this weekend in Vegas. I don't think watching is so much the problem. I feel like the touching and lap dances are. But I also can't help but feel like I'm not good enough and so he has to get something more from strippers. But I also don't want to guilt him for going.
by Kyla at 12:06 PM
Hangover again, this time I mean the movie. Seriously, the Las Vegas thing doesn't always mean your guy goes berserk and does everything you can imagine. He's going ONCE, it's not a habit. You feel insecure, which many women do about guy trips to Vegas, but if you normally trust him, trust him there too.
by Ellie at 12:07 PM
Strip clubs are demeaning to women.those that work there lower themselves to making money by getting naked for men to arouse them sexually. The women whose partners go there are given the message that their bodies aren't sexy enough. If any man of mine went to one, it'd be over for me. No excuses, just over.
by demeaning at 12:08 PM
Okay, you have strong feelings and state them clearly. And you're not alone, many other women feel this way. So be sure you put out your strong feelings early in a relationship and be prepared that some guys just won't accept it. But then, they're not the guys for you!
by Ellie at 12:10 PM
I think people nowadays need to lighten up. What you think you heard about what happens at strip clubs is all lies. He did put a ring on your finger didn't he? Case closed.
by concerned male edited by TORONTO STAR at 12:11 PM
95% of the guys that go to strip clubs can't afford what their partners are afraid they are going to do there.
by Kevin edited by TORONTO STAR at 12:12 PM
Several people (including one woman) have been sending in the "lighten up" message. So why does this topic cause so much furious debate and polarized opinions? Why do many people take it so seriously?
by Ellie edited by TORONTO STAR at 12:12 PM
Men who are in relationships who frequently visit strip clubs should be questioned: are they not getting enough sexual satisfaction at home? For those who go rarely, I do not see the problem; I think both sexes can enjoy it to a certain extent. Perhaps bringing the wife/gf along could help ease suspicions, or get some new lingerie to keep things interesting at home. I do have more of an issue with lapdances; many strippers will do "more" than grind for the cash. I say, would you let your husband let a random girl at a bar touch him? No? What is the difference in this atmosphere? They are getting paid and are doing it for that reason. I'm sure he wouldn't be pleased if the tables were turned. Look but don't touch; the touch aspect for taken men brings is a lot closer to cheating.
by Dreamer at 12:15 PM
Having spent 10 yrs of my youth going to strip clubs, i can say that before lap dancing came along they where places for guys to go and hang out and have fun. Since lap dancing started and guys have been allowed to touch the girls, it has become more like a brothel and there is way to much temptation. I can can a atest to this with first hand experience.
by Brian at 12:16 PM
There are some clubs with a no-touch rule. Perhaps if more guys went to these, their women would feel less worried and annoyed at the exposure.
by Ellie at 12:17 PM
Would guys be okay with their girlfriends and wives going to a male strip club? The same "extras" (lap dances, etc.) can often be found there too.
by Justsayin at 12:18 PM
I have no doubt that most men would be furious if their women went frequently, which seems to be what women object to the most. Those that oppose a one-off visit to a strip club are more about their feelings that it demeans women in general or more about their insecurity and fears.
by Ellie edited by TORONTO STAR at 12:19 PM
My boyfriend goes to strip clubs at least twice a month. He says that after a tough day at work with lots of stress, it's relaxing and there's less chance of getting drunk or hit on by women, or having to be social, than at a bar. It makes sense, but I still feel he goes too often and can't help wondering if he's attracted to one of the strippers.
by attracted? at 12:20 PM
You had me at "too often," but lost me at "attracted" to a stripper. If you have no evidence of this, why invent the worry? Or just go with him. But if he goes there because of that much stress-relief, it's his job that's the problem, not the club. You two need to find ways to relax together.
by Ellie at 12:21 PM
I've been going to strip clubs for 10 years. They are harmless... if you think your BF/Husband will cheat with a stripper, then he'll cheat with anyone and you have bigger issues. If you think he's trying to pick one up, then you shouldn't let him go to the bar, work, library or any other place that women frequent.
by Mark at 12:22 PM
What can guys say to others when spotted @ a Strip Club to fend off the "pervert" stigma?
by Benjamin at 12:23 PM
Hey, those spotters are there, too, so what's the problem. If you're ashamed to be seen there, don't go.
by Ellie at 12:23 PM
As a woman I enjoy going to strip clubs to see what I'm not in comparision to other girls. My BF refuses to attend with me, even though i told him that i'm okay with him getting a private dance. He's going to be there in 10-ish years anyway. how can i convince him to go? Its natural for men to look at other women.
by Bones edited by TORONTO STAR at 12:24 PM
It's a different attitude from most, and frankly hard to understand...you like seeing what you're not? That's a new approach.
by Ellie at 12:26 PM
ha, that comment from "Bones" sounds like a dude.
by hank at 12:26 PM
From my experience, the men who go craziest at the strip clubs are the ones who aren't getting their needs fulfilled at home. I don't mean that in a rude/crass way, it's just the truth. (I am not a big strip club guy for the record)
by bill at 12:27 PM
it seems that's what women feel...that their guy is getting it elsewhere or don't want it from them. That's the divide...they need to talk about their own sex lives, not about the clubs.
by Ellie at 12:28 PM
I've been to a strip club with my husband and it's a funny, mindless fun night out together. I wouldn't want to go often.but I wouldn't want to attend wrestling matches often, either. I also think it's better to go with him once in awhile, rather than have him go with his buddies where some could get carried away. I trust my husband, and I trust us together most of all.
by bothofus at 12:29 PM
A healthy attitude, and one that works from the basis of this debate - do you trust your guy or not. You do.
by Ellie at 12:29 PM
How is going to a strip club that much different from watching porn, or a cam chat?
by 123456 at 12:31 PM
People who go to strip clubs on occasion go for a social reason, they're with a group, even if they get a little drunk or silly, they usually have some restraint because of their friends. Porn is an escape from the reality of sex with a real person. It's not social.
by Ellie at 12:32 PM
This topic is similar to the pornography debate; a guy thing or a threat. Can be both, can be neither. There is a such thing as "too much"; when it takes you away from your girlfriend or wife often, is something you can't share with your partner, etc. The definition will vary per couple. There needs to be a compromise; stamping your foot down without talking often doesn't help; it's like a parent who won't let their child voice their side. Everyone must express their feelings and if its a deal breaker, you were not meant to be. I'd still argue to try and understand but if i.e., touching is crossing the line, that should be openly expressed.
by Tonight at 12:34 PM
Good comment - fair-minded and sensible. If only people could think that way when their emotions are riled up!
by Ellie at 12:35 PM
I think men go to the strip club because they aren't getting their sexual needs satisfied at home. I see many of my friends become frustrated with the drop-off in sexual intimacy with their wives after marriage, etc.
A healthy sex life keeps both parties happy in a relationship and does wonders for a relationship. If you are upset that your man goes to strip clubs, ask yourself when you last were intimate or tried to have fun in that way. I think it is a two-way street and some posters need to look in the mirror. (and I do not mean to pass the blame to the ladies, it's just common sense!)
by bill edited by TORONTO STAR at 12:36 PM
For those who go frequently you may be right. But you're laying it on thick and generalizing. Many women have valid concerns, eg. if their guy is a bit of a player, if he drinks too much, if he's irresponsible with money they're trying to save, lots of solid reasons along with a value system that doesn't like demeaning women ....
by Ellie at 12:38 PM
Is it possible that a guy who went to a strip club for his birthday wouldn't want a lapdance? My fiancee's friends paid for him to get one and when he went back with the stripper he claims she just sat on his knee and talked to him because of the fuss he made at the table saying he'd rather stay put and that his friend should go instead. That was the first and only time he has gone to a club. Would you believe that's all that went on or is he trying to just not hurt my feelings?
by Erica at 12:39 PM
Of course it's possible, a lot of guys don't want to touch where others have touched. And some are just uncomfortable about what's expected of them...since he's your fiance, believe him!
by Ellie at 12:40 PM
Women get "high" from watching chick flicks, guys like strip clubs, so vive la difference! What's the problem here?
by vivaladifference at 12:42 PM
The problem is that some differences can become obstructions, if people let them. Your solution is for each person in a couple to do their own thing. That works for some, but not for others.
by Ellie at 12:42 PM
At one point in time I would agree that strip clubs were just in plain fun. I do believe most men that attend the clubs go there to watch and have a couple of drinks. What most may not want to admit is that most strip clubs in the GTA have young ladies who are forced to work there, passports taken away, pimps, etc. This is a large part of the growing human trafficking business. Most men turn a blind eye and call it harmless fun. Is it really?
by on the fence at 12:43 PM
Your points are valid, and for women and men who have this perspective, there's nothing sexy about women or anyone being exploited. There's little transparency in this environment, so we don't know which clubs are of that nature, and which hire college students who want to earn cash at night. But if you hold those opinions, you sure don't want to partner with someone who doesn't.
by Ellie at 12:45 PM
As a married middle aged guy, I can attest that I have only gone to strip clubs when the "benefits" at home have been poor for some time. While I do feel some guilt for the lap dances that I paid for, it is at least (marginally) better than outright cheating, at least to me.
by George edited by TORONTO STAR at 12:47 PM
But not to your wife, George. It'd be better if you could resolve your sex life at home. But if she's unwilling...it's your life.
by Ellie at 12:48 PM
Thanks everyone, for this lively debate. I'll wind up by posting some of your strong and interesting comments. Next week, join me for "To Tell or Not - Do you Out a Cheater?"
by Ellie at 12:50 PM
Women who "forbid" strip clubs are already insecure in their relationships, and they're missing the boat. If they just relax and trust their partners, they'll have the benefit of them coming home turned on for fun. It's a win-win.
by insecure at 12:51 PM
I myself have a hard time looking at the girls on stage and wondering how they got there. Even if they are beautiful, I still feel sorry for them, and I'm a man!
by skeptic edited by TORONTO STAR at 12:52 PM
PS: has anyone ever seen the way women behave at the strip clubs for women? WOW!
by bill at 12:53 PM
I don't see the harm in strip clubs. Most strip clubs in Ontario though have become little more than brothels. My wife has come with me often and has a blast when she does. I'm not saying that we or even I go often, yet they are not what they once were. We in Ontario seem to have a stigma with sex and with strip clubs in general.
by Roelof edited by TORONTO STAR at 12:53 PM
I would not like my bf going to strip clubs. i have heard too many stories of his friends being very touchy below the belt of the strippers, i think it is gross that they touch themselves then touch the men that attend and the whole idea is a bit filthy. If you think of it that way.
by emily at 12:54 PM
For me, a strip club is no big deal if it's once in a while, guys' night, and it's watching/MAYBE a lap dance if you're the guest of honour (but NO extras). What I worry about is if it were my guy's stag, and getting carried away. And specifically, the thinking that it's okay because it's the "last free night" and "what happens in vegas, stays in vegas" attitude. I just think that if you're willing to do it once, everything in a relationship changes.
by astar at 12:54 PM
I can guarantee you that unless you have a large wad of cash, the women at the strip club have no interest in you. So if you are worried about touching, send your guy to the club broke...:-)
by CTG at 12:55 PM
I can understand how some women can be worried about strip clubs. I talked about it with my girlfriend and we compromised rather well i think. I don't abuse strip clubs, but if im out with the boys and we end up there its ok. But no Lap dances. Which i think is fair.
by Leafs Nation at 12:55 PM
Thanks to everyone for taking part in today's chat. Next Wednesday's topic: To tell or not to tell: do you "out" a cheater?
by TORONTO STAR at 12:57 PM
There you have it. The women of Toronto want us to have no fun
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