From Oprah.com. Wife upset over husband
I am in the worst situation of my life. I just found out that, after 34 years of marriage, my husband has apparently been frequenting massage parlors. (Asian, Russian, Independent, you name it!) He is 59 years old. I've known for the last several years that something was very wrong in our marriage, and I suspected a possible infidelity was going on, but never dreamed it was anything like this. He had many signs of having an affair but, again, I never suspected anything like this because I trusted him so unconditionally. I tracked his cell phone records and found out that he has been making calls to many many massage parlors as far back as the year 2000. Within the last year or so he had been routinely calling 1 Russian Massage Parlor in particular, and just this past November it was busted for prostitution! I read the article in our newspaper about the bust, and it was right after that I finally made the discovery of the cell phone records. When I confronted him he admitted making the calls, but is DENYING GOING TO ANY OF THESE PLACES! He is trying to make us believe he only calls them for the excitment of the phone call. But the calls are always only 1 minute in duration (long enough to make an appointment). We are in counceling but he is in complete denial. My 2 adult children and their spouses know about this, and none of us believe him. He continues to lie, even though I can tell by the locations and timing of his cell phone calls that he has definitely been going to these places. Most of the calls were made either during the day when I was at work, or when I was out of town visiting other family. This has torn our family apart, and "now" he is so sorry, ashamed, and doesn't want to lose me. He is begging me not to leave him. My son says he is only sorry for getting caught. I believe he is a sex addict, and my doctor thinks he may have Bi-polar disorder. Both my son and daughter have told him that if he doesn't confess and get a psychiatric evaluation (which the councelor is insisting on) he will lose his entire family. We have 2 beautiful grandaughters, and a grandson soon due to be born I can't bear the mental images and thoughts of what he has been doing, and I'm completely physically & emotionally sick over it. I have already been staying with my son & daughter, as my doctors and councelor told me to get out of the house, but know I have to initiate a legal separation soon. I don't know how to deal with the emotional pain that has consumed me. I can't stop thinking about this from the moment I wake up in the morning until I finally fall asleep at night. Everyone tells me this is NOT my fault and I should not feel guilty in any way....that my husband is a "very sick man". But it still hurts so deeply to be deceived and betrayed by the person in your life that you took marriage vows with and trusted unconditionally for so many years. I never dreamed he would be capable of anything like this, and I'm wondering if he has been practicing this illicit behavior our entire married life, or just in the past decade. He also lost his Mom, Dad, and only brother within the last 4 years so I thought maybe that sent him off the deep end, until I saw that the phone records go back much longer. He has always preached fidelity and good morals to our children, and made sure we always went to church. Has anyone ever gone through anything like this, and does anyone have any advise for me? Also, I endured alot of emotional abuse from him periodically throughout our entire marriage. Please let me hear from you! Thank you!
Hi, don't know if this will help. A married man molested my daughter whilst he was her teacher at school. It turned two family's lives upside down and left my daughter and I scarred for life. All the labels about this man were thrown around, eg sick, bi-polar. His wife divorced him more out of shame for the scandal, even though she knew he strayed before and forgave him in the past. He had two young sons. No problem, he found another wife. A sociopath will use any excuse to hide his lack of conscience. Don't worry about him, he is probably not sick, just selfish. Go to Church, consult your psychologist, just pray and believe in yourself. This was not your fault. Be thankful for people who surround you with love and understanding. You deserve better. Eve
I am so sorry for what you are going through. The betrayal and lies for so many years must be so painful for you. It's so easy for others to tell you to leave your husband or to try to work it out, but ultimately you have to do what you think is best in your heart. I understand that you want your husband to confess to validate your feelings. He owes you that tiny concession after the disrepect he has shown you for the past 8 years of your marriage. His refusal to take responsibility must feel like a second betrayal. As I read your story, I felt as if I could have written parts of it.
Last night, I discovered that my husband had a secret credit card and had maxxed it out. We have had financial problems due to his unstable job history. I have a stable, professional job, and that's the only way we have been able to avoid total disaster. I have pulled him out of problems and debt, and I have supported him through his "issues." I married him for love, but he has a real problem with lying and poor financial management. He is a good guy, probably like your husband, who claims to believe in family and fidelity. However, on this secret credit card, there were charges for an Asian massage parlor. So, not only did I discover this secret debt, but Asian massage parlors????
I was not ready for that and I do not think I can get over it. I love my husband, but this is too much for me. We have 2 young boys and a home we love. Plus he just started a new job that looks very promising. The massage parlor visits ended about 10 months ago, but to me, they just happened.
My husband confessed--among many lies to try to save himself--that he did receive a "massage," which, at this place, according to him, meant a "body wash" (yuck) and a hand job (more yuck). The thought of another woman with my husband is sickening. He has a problem with lying, and it sounds similar to your husband's.
The people who told you that it is not your fault are right--it's not your fault. Your husband, like mine, has been indulging his sick fantasy at your expense, disrespecting you and breaking the marriage vows he took. If your husband is not ready to confess what he's done, then it's unlikely he will stop visiting these places. I don't have advice to give you, as I am in the same mess. I have many decisions to make in the next few weeks. I have to see if I can afford the house on my own etc... Having to go through this is like being punished for something I did not do, and I wan you to know you are not alone in your pain. Just reading your story helped me realize that I'm not alone, not some kind of horrible wife who deserves this or drove her husband to do this. Thanks for sharing what you're going through so honestly. I hope you are OK and that you are able to do what you feel is best.
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